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TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF MY TWENTIES…SO, I'M A MAN NOW?

Logan Lynn (2009)

It’s October 14th and I am turning 30 tomorrow. I’m feeling good about reaching this new age and am SO glad that my twenties are on their last leg as I am writing this. I woke up really early today, thinking about these 30 years I have spent on this planet so far…wondering how and why this has all happened the way it has, wishing I could change pieces of the past, missing people & parts of my life which I broke to bits or have lost along the way, and hoping I am making decisions now that will bring bucketloads of peace my way in the future.

I also have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for making it through the fire, for sorting things out with my family, and for letting go of the all-encompassing darkness in my life just in time to turn things around. I got out while I could still see the light, and now it is all around me. Thank you to all of you who loved me through the 16 year valley of drugs and despondence…even when I could not feel your love or love you back…it was you who brought me through safely with your refusal to quit on me, your persistent love, and your fierce determination to keep loving me until I could feel it. It worked. All of that love you gave that I could not feel at the time, I am feeling now, with a clear head, in retrospect.

I’m in a constant state of atonement these days and have been for some time…with myself, with my family, with the world. I’m looking forward, past the regret, as I leave my 20’s behind. I am set to start this new decade as the person I am now, leaving the growing pains of what it took to get here behind in the night as I sleep my way into tomorrow this evening. I hope that I will not forever judge myself based on the things I did as a kid…I truly did not know who I was before I got my act together and don’t really think that I realized I was actually a part of the world or that my life was already happening until I was a 28 year old man in 2008. I regret this the most, because it WAS happening…in the worst way.

I hope that, in time, those of you who knew me back then will be able to see and hear who I am now and leave the person you knew before behind, as I have done. I am sorry for anyone who knew me in San Francisco, Portland, or Los Angeles from 1996-2007…It’s amazing how much shit you can destroy in 11 years. Wow. What a fucking nightmare I was. Like I said, I am happy that my 20’s are over.

I suppose it can be said that I would not be who I am without having been who I was, so I will not soon forget how it was that I came to be at this place. These years are nothing if not mine, disfigured bits and all, so I will gladly own them. I am, with this day, releasing the oppressive weight of who I used to be from my person, unstrapping him from my back and putting him in his place in the rear view. I see no need to carry him around anymore. I hope you will do the same with what has been weighing you down…for yourself, for the people you love, and the people you don’t.

We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to feel safe. We are all beautiful to someone, and I hope that someone finds you soon so they can tell you so to your face.

🙂

Category: Emotional Bullshit, Music, News, Uncategorized

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No Responses

  1. anabonana says:

    Love you so much it is so fun to have you on the other side! Happy almost birthday my dear friend. I see amazing things happening in your future.

    xoxo

    A.

  2. LoganLynn says:

    I love you too. Thank you for busting into my house and forcing me to go to rehab. You are a good friend. I’m so glad that I am in a place where I can be a good friend back to you these days.

    🙂

  3. Debby Lynn says:

    I love you so much, my Logan! These are such happy times! I am overwhelmed with happiness and hopefulness and gratitude! You made it and you are amazing! I’m so excited to watch the years ahead unfold-good, happy things for all of us! I loved you 30 years ago even before I saw that beautiful red haired baby emerge, and every moment since, and every moment to come! I just love you! As your brother would say: happiest birthday EVER! See you soon!

  4. LoganLynn says:

    Damn, mom. You made me start crying like a baby just now. ha ha ha

    See you Saturday!

  5. Landon Lynn says:

    What great words, but even greater that you are living them out with every breath you take these days. No brother could be luckier than I am to have an example of determination, stubborn hope, and unbreakable spirit as I have in you! I love you so much and am so excited to live the next thirty years with you, the real you. “I got out while I could still see the light, and now it is all around me…I am, with this day, releasing the oppressive weight of who I used to be from my person, unstrapping him from my back and putting him in his place in the rear view. I see no need to carry him around anymore.” Here’s to the future big bro!

  6. LoganLynn says:

    Great, Landon. More waterworks.

    🙂

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