(Originally Published on The Huffington Post on 3/4/2013)

In talking with friends and other LGBT people about our experiences growing up queer in a straight world, I’ve found that it’s pretty clear that becoming a well-adjusted citizen has proven more difficult than many of us expected. For each of us, this has manifested in different ways: drug abuse for some, sexual dysfunction for others, problems with emotional intimacy for still others, and for a lucky few like myself, a mix of all three.

Like many people, I plowed through my teens and 20s like nothing mattered, because back then it didn’t. The world had done me wrong early on, and I was determined to take it out on myself and anyone who dared get close to me. I burned every bridge I came across, and half a decade later the ashes are still smoldering.

During a recent medical visit to address one of the ongoing long-term side effects of my former addiction, the doctor shamed me for having made the terrible choices that I made early on that I am still paying for now (something that has happened on many occasions over the years). With each “this could have been avoided” or “you should just be grateful you are alive,” I felt myself shrinking back into that old bad-seed role that I had inhabited for so many years, and it took days to shake the hopeless feeling of being destined to be seen as who I used to be forever.
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It’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around all the change that 2010 brought into my life. Nothing is as it was a year ago (Thank GAWD!) Time is amazing. I feel like the last 3 years in particular have changed me at my core, molding me into who I could and should have been years before had I just been brave enough to open my eyes. Forgiveness around this previous internal blindness is part of my journey as well but that’s a whole separate issue that isn’t ready for the world to hear about just yet. Rest assured: Daddy’s workin’ on it…

In July I made the decision to take a break from touring and proceeded to blow my musical career to bits and released what will be my final word (for now) with my record “I Killed Tomorrow Yesterday“. In retrospect I might have been able to handle things differently but at the time I felt like I needed to break everything in order to get away…so that’s what I did. All in all it was quite the spectacle. I have no regrets about making the decision I made but it’s funny to go back and read how upset I was at the time, knowing that less than half a year later it would all matter very little to me. The only regret I have is not taking steps to fix what was wrong sooner (which, as you can probably tell from the paragraph before this one, is a running theme these days).

When all is said and done I am thankful for this past year. In addition to the professional changes which occurred I was single and lived alone the entire year. For the 1st time since I was a 23 year old moron I took time to be by myself, with myself…to figure out what the hell I was doing and what I needed to do to get to where I ultimately want to be. I’m not sure where this next year will take me but I know it will be on my terms. I figured out what kind of people I’m looking to have in my life and what kind of people I am not. I let painful things go and I did not follow them where they went. They left and I waved at them instead. I sat still in the discomfort of change and let it take over, let it do its thing. Now on the other side I am finding new people, new experiences, new ways of looking at the world. I am closer to free than I have ever been though I am, as ever, a work in progress.

I hope you all have a happy new year! Be who you are and don’t worry about what the world thinks. The world is most likely wrong about you anyhow.

xxLL

P.S. – Speaking of progress, below is a photo of my bald ass without a hat. That’s right. I’m coming out as a 31 year old bald man. Eat it up, popworld. Also: DUH. Why else would I have been wearing a hat in every photo and video ever taken of me since 2000???!!! I’ve been wearing a hat since I was 21 and have been bald this whole fucking time. Deal with it, gays. The shit’s real.

🙂