// NEW MONEY \\ 1.27.22 // Kill Rock Stars \\

  

WATCH: Feed Me To The W.T.F. (VIDEO)

I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since this single premiered on MTVLogoVH1 and a bunch of other channels, radio stations, and like…MySpace, I guess?

It was the first time I had ever been on network TV or signed to a major label, and so many people were projecting things onto me at the time, working to mold me, and trying to help fit me into the big game somewhere. Anyone who was tuned in to my nonsense back then will recall, I did not respond well.

“Feed Me To The Wolves” was my first big break, but at its core it’s a song about me trying to survive cocaine addiction, and this video is the last time I would ever be filmed coked out of my mind or drunk. The fact that it was so celebrated at the time — that I was so celebrated in that state of actively, messily, visibly spiraling towards imminent death — seems so curious to me now, over a decade into my recovery.

I was blowing through an 8 ball of coke and drinking at least a fifth of vodka every day, and I showed up to my big break accordingly. I spent $67,000.00 on cocaine in 2007 alone. I was terrible and mean and people thought it was hilarious and marketable.

The crazier I acted, the more folks wrote about me and booked me for shows; and the stranger things got on and off stage at those shows, the more people offered me TV gigs and would come to watch me spin out…but what so many people ended up watching was me canceling performances because I couldn’t remember my words, bailing on appearances at the last minute because my voice quit working (from smoking crack), having my nose begin to die and nearly fall off my face, several public, well-documented overdoses, and eventually (thankfully) disappearing into hospitals and rehabs, emerging well (ish) nearly two years later.

I wish I could go back in time and tell this sad dude to go get help before help is forced upon him in emergency rooms just 18 months later; To not worry about blowing his one shot by pausing the career clock because he ends up blowing his one shot in the end anyway; And that even that’s bullshit because there is no such thing as just one shot, in life or in music.

All that said, I am so grateful for this song, for the peculiar way it continues to find its way into the world all these years later, and how it has ultimately made so many things possible for me, my career, and my life.

Behold: The very last time I ever drank milk.

🖤

 

 

Logan Lynn: The Party’s Over. Now What?

Originally Published in the September 2012 Issue of Just Out Magazine, on stands now. Click this month’s cover below for the original post.

In The Trenches: “The Party’s Over. Now What?”

It’s no secret that I struggled with an addiction to cocaine and alcohol for many years – Sixteen of them, to be exact. A quick Google search of my name uncovers that though, so this isn’t breaking news. I was always very openly strung out and continued to be open throughout the process of cleaning up, nearly 5 years ago at this point. By the time my active using had come to a close, I had wrecked my life many times over, hurt everyone around me, and squandered professional opportunities the likes of which I will never see again. It has been a long road to put things back to how they are today, and there are still times where that messy person appears, ready as ever to destroy all over again.

It seems you can take the drugs away from the insecure screw-up, but the feelings which led to the drugs in the first place remain. Sometimes they are small and manageable, other times they are too large to hold. Even now, all these years later, not a day goes by where I do not think about giving up. It usually happens when I get my feelings hurt or if I feel overwhelmed by the extreme realness of the universe, which tends to hit me in unexpected waves at the most inopportune times. In these moments I would love nothing more than to ease my aching shame with a drink or hide myself from you, the world, in some kind of thick, white, transformative smoke. There are times where I would literally give everything just to feel nothing.

The trouble with me feeling nothing is that it comes at great cost. I know how that story ends. I lose my work, then my friends and family, then my belongings, then my life. Boom. It’s over. Logan Lynn, dead at 32. No more love, no more music, no more words. I tell myself this story constantly so I Read the rest of this entry »

A Lot Can Happen In Four Years…

I almost died four years ago this week, and tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of my younger brother Landon saving my life.

After a 16 year battle with drugs and alcohol I was taken over completely in 2007 and it nearly killed me. I locked myself in my house and began to smoke rock cocaine and drink vodka around the clock. I rarely left. This went on for months and I spent $67,000.00 on my addiction during that final year. I overdosed on two occasions, and I was headed for death. I wish I could say I was so messed up that it didn’t register, but it did. I knew what I was doing this time; I just didn’t care. No one could stop me.

On March 22nd, 2008 someone did manage to stop me, though. My little brother Landon burst into my living room with his wife Ashley unannounced to “get me help”. I had passed my lowest point weeks before and was spiraling toward the end by the time they got there. My entire junky setup was on display in front of me and there it was; the truth. ALL of it. There was a thick layer of cocaine smoke in the air and I remember yelling out something like “Don’t come in here if you’re pregnant” to my sister-in-law. I was in a state.

I looked like a dying man because I was a dying man. Ashley looked afraid when she saw me. My brother did, too. This made me feel afraid, and in that moment, my sweet brother’s fear and love and hopes for my future somehow reached me. He took me by the arm and put me in the car and we went to the hospital. When we got there he had to use force to get me to go in but he managed to get me into the building, admitted, and the rest is history.

The past four years have been the most wonderful gift. I have come back to myself, back to this world, back to my family; and I’ve found love and joy that I would have never found had I not made it through. There are still moments when who I was before shows up in my present day, but I am not afraid of that person. He was a person, too. A very sick, sad person who needed help.

The truth of my story is hard sometimes. I certainly wish I hadn’t done many of the things I did during my addicted years, but I am empowered by that same, scary truth. I am not ashamed of having overcome the circumstances of my life, and I am proud to be here today as a result of hard work and the goodness of others who have given me the opportunity to start over.

I saved my little brother’s life when we were young boys, and he returned the favor when we were grown men. Now, years later, I am still moved by his bravery. To stand up to me like that in my darkest hour; to come find me when I had shut him out; to physically maneuver me toward safety; that must have all been so scary…but he did it, and I am here today as a result.

Thank you, little brother, for showing up when I needed you. You got there just in time.

…and thank you to everyone who loved me then, who loves and cares about me now, and who keeps reminding me of just how lucky I am to be here. This world is beautiful because of you.

xo,
Logan

BE WELL, FRIENDS. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

I was chatting with an older woman who works in my building today for the first time and she said “I hope this comes out the right way but I overheard you say that you needed someone else to set up the bar for the party because you are a recovering alcoholic and I just wanted you to know how happy I was to hear you taking care of yourself like that. You see, my daughter had the same problem but she was never able to get well. I lost her last February. I know how very hard it is and I think it is so great what you are doing.” I smiled and said, “I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. It’s a very difficult journey to be on. So hard on everyone involved.” She replied “Yes…but it was hardest on her.”

We talked for a little while about how now she is raising her granddaughter as her own and how maybe we are all just doing our best, even when we are at our worst (a concept which has come up in conversation lately with a few different people and that I find incredibly hard to wrap my head around at times). At one point her eyes welled up and she said “Hearing you stand up for yourself and your life in that moment made me love my daughter in a way I have not been able to since she died. Thank you for giving that back to me.” She started crying big tears, which made me start crying big tears…then we hugged the hug that only people who have been through the same war hug, an embrace I have felt before with my own hurt, scared mother around this stuff.

In that moment I imagined myself to be her daughter, years later, happy and well, hugging away the pain of watching someone you love struggle through the horrors of addiction. I felt like saying “It’s OK, mom. It’s over now.” as I have done with my mother on several occasions since finally getting well in 2007…but those words mean something so different for her than they do for my mom. For this sweet woman and her daughter, it really is over. All of it. No more memories, no more birthdays or holidays spent together. She is just gone, taken from this world by a glass of something.

I am so thankful that my mother does not have to cry on the shoulder of some other survivor to feel close to her dead child and I am grateful to have real love in my life where there used to be an empty space I filled with cocaine and vodka. I know how lucky that makes me and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder why I get to be one of the lucky ones. These days are cosmic gifts, extra moments bestowed upon me and my family by some unexpected twist of fate. I am 4 years into the bonus round and I try to make every minute count. I get to be here to kiss my boyfriend, play with my dog, watch my nieces grow up, help the community I care so deeply about, and enjoy all these beautiful years I almost didn’t get to have with you all.

Be well, friends. Live the life you are meant to live. Hug your mothers. Find something lovable about yourself and LOVE IT fearlessly. Then, share that love with the world…because the world needs you. If you are struggling with addiction, please tell someone. There are lots of different ways to get lots of different kinds of help and there has never been a better time to get your shit together than RIGHT NOW.

I wish you the happiest of all holidays, everybody.

xo
Logan

DUDE, 2009: YOU SUCK, BRO!!!

Logan Lynn (2009)

OK, so…the title of this post is a bit dramatic and unfair. 2009 actually brought with it some really amazing things. My new record “From Pillar To Post” was released and was received better than my little brain could have imagined…First by the press, then by all of you guys. It’s been really great to finally get to share where I’ve been since 2007 with you after going into hiding shortly after I got signed with “Beat The World”. Thanks so much for listening, for helping to spread the word about my tunes, and for reminding me constantly why it is that I write songs in the first place.

On the flipside to all of this professional joy, the past year has been quite a journey for me personally. 2009 was the first year since 1994 where no Alcohol or Cocaine entered my body. Like…NONE. I got clean in the beginning of 2008, so it was tainted by a couple of months of freebasing and I didn’t quit drinking until December of ’08…but this year was clean, start to finish. I’m nearing the 2 year anniversary of my last journey to cracked-out partytown…I know for normal people that doesn’t seem like a very big deal, but for me and for anyone who has ever known or loved me, it’s noteworthy. I’m finally at a point with the getting well that it’s not such a constant struggle to function. All I really have to say about that is…FUCK YES!!! FINALLY!!!!!

At this point, I have torn down every part of my old life and am about to start over. After over 6 years of moving in one direction together, my partner and I split up in July and I’ve spent much of the past 6 months since just regrouping, catching my breath, mourning the loss of that companionship (and that of one of my dogs, Spike, who went to live with “other dad” when he left), and making a new plan. I made decisions this year that kicked me WAY out of my comfort zone and have left me feeling vulnerable and beyond frightened at times, but I’ve managed to navigate through and have finally hit the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I feel great sorrow for this loss in my life, and it is a neon example of how some things which I broke when I was high are just unfixable, no matter how hard anyone tries. I wish him nothing but the greatest happiness and hope the new year brings peace and healing for both of our sad, broken hearts.

That same week in July I went to stay with my Mom and Dad in the Oregon desert. We spent the first part of the week in a raw emotional state, talking out old festering wounds and repairing cracks in the foundation of our family unit that had been made long ago. We cried for the better part of the week, but managed to come back together at some point while I was there. That time with them is the most beautiful experience I’ve had in my life so far and things are forever changed as a result of those moments together.

I’ve made a lot of new friends this year and am really excited to be starting a new decade this week with all of you in tow. I feel light again, like things are clearing up. I am determined to bring my personal life up to speed with my professional life this year…gonna make some happy stuff happen!!!

🙂

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!! See you on the 7th at Doug Fir in Portland! It’s gonna be a really good show. “Cars & Trains” and “The Gentry” rule the skool.

xxLL





 

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