(Originally Published on The Huffington Post on 3/4/2013)

In talking with friends and other LGBT people about our experiences growing up queer in a straight world, I’ve found that it’s pretty clear that becoming a well-adjusted citizen has proven more difficult than many of us expected. For each of us, this has manifested in different ways: drug abuse for some, sexual dysfunction for others, problems with emotional intimacy for still others, and for a lucky few like myself, a mix of all three.

Like many people, I plowed through my teens and 20s like nothing mattered, because back then it didn’t. The world had done me wrong early on, and I was determined to take it out on myself and anyone who dared get close to me. I burned every bridge I came across, and half a decade later the ashes are still smoldering.

During a recent medical visit to address one of the ongoing long-term side effects of my former addiction, the doctor shamed me for having made the terrible choices that I made early on that I am still paying for now (something that has happened on many occasions over the years). With each “this could have been avoided” or “you should just be grateful you are alive,” I felt myself shrinking back into that old bad-seed role that I had inhabited for so many years, and it took days to shake the hopeless feeling of being destined to be seen as who I used to be forever.
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Note: My monthly column for Just Out Magazine “In The Trenches” was published today in the October issue. The piece is called “The Curse of Being Old Fashioned” and is about accepting all types of relationships. Unfortunately, the last 2 (very important) paragraphs were accidentally left out of the print version (something that has been making me CRAZY for days, and I’m sure will continue to all month) but the online version is complete. You can check out the original by clicking the cover image below, or just keep reading below.

In The Trenches: “The Curse of Being Old-Fashioned”

Let me start by saying I believe everyone should have the right to love whoever they please, however they please. My choice to love monogamously, and my sharing my thoughts around said loving with you all, is not meant to diminish your thoughts and choices, but rather to offer up yet another queer voice on the matter. I am not making a case for monogamy with this article, but rather a case for acceptance.

In recent days I’ve been reading a lot of articles about love, commitment, and the “M” word, followed by discussions with my fellow queers about said articles, and it’s left me feeling frustrated. I can’t help but wonder, at what point in our queer cultural development did it become acceptable to imply (or say outright) that a person or couple who chooses to be in a monogamous relationship is somehow less evolved than those who do not? I have encountered this view before in my previous dating misadventures, friendships, and relationships … as though my wanting to be with only one man for the rest of my life is buying into a “heteronormative” idea about love and, in so doing, is somehow oppressing you in yours.

It has been my experience that being what some would consider “old fashioned” feels, at times, a bit like a curse for an out, gay man. I have never had anonymous sex. I have never hooked up with anyone off of Craigslist. I have an iPhone but I am not on Grindr or Scruff or Manhunt or whatever other sites people use these days to populate their casual sex lives. In fact, I have never had a very casual sex life. It has always been tied to relationship or a longing for deep connection. My being this way has made it difficult for me to relate to the experience of many of my queer peers, and almost impossible for them to relate to me.

I don’t believe being monogamously in love is the Read the rest of this entry »